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Back in the saddle of trying to find work.  Too much makes me sick anymore.

Sick of looking at want ads for collection agencies and banks.

sick of wanting and not getting.

sick of feeling like to have I must whore out myself.

sick of tired useless useless.

my corner of the mess is getting more smaller every day.

sick of feeling so helpless to help all the people who are drowning in all this shit that's labeled economic.

tired, it always goes before sick in this place, tired of most of everything.

no anything anymore.   Did I mention that I have too much to do and so everything gets less of what I find I'm so lacking in?

there are no shortages of bag people anymore.

this has become the signs of my sickness.   No pills to make it go away.  This is far to big an infection to just wash it out with peroxide, it's got too many people in the wound now to wash it out with anything.

every time I think I've risen above I find reasons presenting themselves for me to roll around in the muck of hating so much.

there I said it...this sickness has led to a war against being consumed with hate.

hate has its reasons that go beyond prejudice or irrational tidbits of consumer jerking off.

it some times likes to remind me of all the wrongs that I've been run over and what's worse is when I've been the driver of the tank who ran over me.

...i know I leave little piles of my messed up head all over the place.

...its like shooting yourself but you don't die, your not even wounded mortally so it looks like a self debasing orgy of twisted self glorification...but what if that wasn't the truth?

what if it's about not wanting to expose the people you know?

what if it's about not wanting at all....

what if it's about being alone and no matter what you do there isn't anyone there...

so many people live in this exact same spot.

can't help that, there are so many humans on the planet now and the majority of us are so damn depressed because our lives are so far from where we wish they were.

enter the "i have the answer" people.

for dollars plus 49 cents i can fix you with my new and improved mental injection of think this way stuff that looks exactly like the other stamped out copies of the same thing...shit, crap, dead meatie burger that is filled with chemicals to make a person fat and stupid...

not pointing fingers, don't have to....the streets are smeared with it .  over and over and over.  

this is the other half of me.  not the part that keeps chasing hope and keeps believing that it's possible that humanity is waking up and having a very large cup of "what have we been doing all this time?"  

the two halves of my brain have been at war for a long time.   the want and belief that if you love something and just do it with out concern that anyone will ever see it or care about it and so that brings people to watch what your doing because your dancing to your own drummer and finally you get to make a living from doing what you love and you can stop wasting your life trying to do a dance in shoes that don't fit to keep a roof over your head.

there is a freedom about homelessness that no one ever talks about.  yes you gotta watch out for the cops.

yes you don't know when your going to eat next.

and yes there is always the possiblity that you will die and no one will find you till spring thaw.

but you don't have to try not to puke while doing the i pretend to care about this crap that doesn't matter at all.

and if you can pull yourself away from dumpster diving through other peoples completely useful garbage, there is always outside any given city where the same things can happen inside a city.

death is always a possible even when all the little quackers of life are in perfect rows and if it happens there, there is still always a possibility that no one will notice until the spring thaw.

hunger is the same as in a city or in a few rooms that you pay rent on.

the same things that happen when your homeless can happen even if you have an income of some kind.

so I guess this is a confession of where things are at right now....i'm fighting this sickness because i keep waking up in the morning.

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