a place for zinesters - writers and readers
There are all sorts of trite things I could say about not having seen you in forever, or the usual things people say when they miss somebody they used to hang out with almost everyday, but honestly, none of that would be appropriate when it comes to our relationship. Certain things remind me of you, and every once in a while, I do actually miss you, but honestly, I am relieved that you are over a thousand miles away. It's been about three years since the last time I've seen or heard from you- you've had a kid since then, and I am (finally!) almost done with college. However we've spent our time since then- which, assuredly, hasn't left us with a lot of time to ourselves anymore- I am reasonably certain that we haven't been all that interested in maintaining our relationship, such as it was.
The last time we saw each other, we parted in our usual fashion- neither of us really said goodbye. Our conversation was mostly dead air and idle chat, nothing more. Truthfully, we didn't have a whole lot to say to each other. I remember a time when that was not so. Back in grade school, we used to talk for hours about our favorite pop-punk bands and getting even with our tormentors. I went for years at a time without seeing you, and when you would come back into my life, we'd entirely changed as people, but we would still pick up where we left off. I went away to school for three years, and it was the same deal. Unfortunately, every time I left and came back, things got progressively flakier between us. Honestly, I think it was the little things that eventually built up and made the both of us not so close anymore. You always had terrible taste in men. You always had the sorts of partners who would openly ask me for sex in front of you, and compare your body unfavorably to mine. Instead of handling that in the harsh way I should have when someone attacks your friend, I would still tell them off, but I played it off as a joke. It was beyond lame at the time, but now when I look back on it, it makes me literally cringe in shame. There were other things I did, too, that certainly weren't cool even at the level of immaturity I was at. To your credit, you still called me, you still came over and confided in me, you even told me that I was a "lifesaver" from time to time. I felt like shit even at the time accepting your praise when I knew I didn't deserve it. I knew you deserved better in life from everyone in your life, including me.
So, life broke you down. You were in and out of the hospital, doing all sorts of drugs, sometimes getting in trouble with the shitty partners you had. People judged you pretty harshly, and told me to get away from you, but I stuck around for as long as I could, until my health and sanity were almost gone. What I didn't know at the time was that, when I thought I was being "helpful", it was really not helping at all. Sometimes lately, I think I had some sort of weird deus ex machina complex going on back then. I thought that by placating certain people, maybe I could make your life better? Also, I wasn't entirely truthful sometimes when you asked me things point blank, and I am sorry for that too. I thought that you probably couldn't handle the truth, and you never want to make that assumption with your close friends that you care about. I said earlier in this letter that I was glad that we were so far from each other. I wrote that not only because I know I still would still fuck things up by my "help", wanted or not, but also because if you are finally happy, having me around to remind you of all those bad times probably wouldn't help, either. Maybe I will see you again one day, but if it were up to me, I want some closure from this cycle of me being a dick and your innate chaos. This is not to say that I never want to see you again, but this is me saying that if we do, things are going to be different between us this time. At the same time, I could also understand if you really didn't want me in your life anymore because of that rotten history between us. What I wanted to say was, that I'm sorry, and I regret not being there for your son like I promised you so long ago that I would. I hope you are having a nice life.