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excerpt from When The Crash Meets Something Solid issue #010 : Strip It To The Bone

NOVEMBER 2012

UNTITLED

 

Begin here.  I set my thermostat to 82 degrees, and listen to my daughter breathe at night.

 

It is an odd thing to miss you.  The stillness that I feel inside myself has a quality that I cannot name.  Now it’s bitter.  Now it’s sweet.  The taste is all iron and cardamom deep inside my mouth.

 

It’s been a strange year.

 

All summer long, I drank and drank.  And drank.  Thirsty Thursdays on the Blue Ox patio; other nights, too.  Just going further and further down.  Farther and farther away from my own reflection.

 

And there was sweat and sex and sometimes pills or pot and I was indestructible all summer long; untouchable.  Unreachable.

 

Then – you driving; lights in the rearview mirror and I kept saying it in my head:  “this can’t be happening.  We can’t get caught.  We never get caught.”

 

I’m glad we did.

 

I came awake slow inches at a time.  One piece here.  One there.

 

Vulnerability does not agree with me.  It narrows my eyes and furrows my brow; tightens my lips.

 

Throughout the fall and into winter I learned to let go; to trust; to breathe.

 

After 3 years – 2 of celibacy, 1 of cheap sex and brief entanglements – love seems like a foreign country in which I am slowly learning how to live; still shocked by the beauty of the pulsing landscape all around me.

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Tags: Congrave, Gabrielle, addiction, alcohol, anxiety, change, crash, loneliness, love, meets, More…recovery, sex, solid, something, the, when, when the crash meets something solid, work

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