We Make Zines

a place for zinesters - writers and readers

Another Rant for Bear Pussy about eating disorders. fuck em'

"They call you dirty names They fill your head with shame"
-andrew jackson jihad
i spent two years of my life bent over toilets, in front of the mirror, on scales, on treadmills, on diet pills. At age 14 I got a homeless man on Michigan Ave to buy me diet pills at GNC. I NEED TO BE THIN i thought. Journals scribbled with nothing but : half a cracker :10 cals, coffee no sugar: 30 cals, gum: 5 cals, 1 hr on treadmill speed 4 -250cals. Oh hell yeah my treadmill tells me how much fat i burn while i run, and how many calories i burn. Just type in your weight into the machine. beep.beep.beep.105lbs.beeep.beep.100lbs.beep.beep.95lbs.beep.beep.89lbs.beep.beep.85lbs.beep...........oh shit i'm dying. I didn't need nail polish to keep my nails blue anymore. the taste of malnourishment yum... Halfway through showers my vision turned into a tunnel of black. catch yourself. I ate twice a week. Cutting myself because I ate one slice of lettuce after not eating for three days straight. WHAT THE FUCK YOU FAT WHORE WHY CANT YOU JUST NOT EAT! IT'S ONLY BEEN THREE FUCKING DAYS YOU PATHETIC WEAK PIECE OF SHIT! Train rides on the el were such a drag. Dying as I look out the window down onto those poor fat people who have no self control. But desperately wishing that I could just have one bite, one bite. one bite. one fucking bite. i close my eyes, and chew pretending im eating some beans. even in my imagination i can't eat anything more than beans. open my eyes "CHICAGO IS NEXT" oh shit my stop is close i should probably open my eyes now. my lost eyes open to the blown up ad of a beautiful white thin women barely wearing any clothes. looking beautiful, bones sticking out, ribcage clearly defined. immediately my face becomes flushed with guilt. the cold chill of embarrassment flows through my body to it hits my numbing finger tips and fragile legs. why can't i be white, i hate being Mexican, i hate this brown skin. i hate being fat. i don't want to be a fat mexican. I HATE MYSELF. ill purge what i hate, and at the end its blood. the toilet is filled with some food and bits of blood, Hispanic blood. no one noticed when i stopped talking to people. when i was too weak to let a yes or no slip out of my tongue. why don't you love me. I'm tainted goods, no one wants to love someone whos been touched by 30 year old men, or 18 year old cousins. do they? NO NO NO NO. I SHOULD HAVE SAID NO. but instead i just said no to food. no to having a good damn personality, no to caring about anything, no to being happy. Now I'm 18 years old, it's been a over a year and a half since i had gone on my extreme diets. punk rock saved my life hahahaha. no seriously don't laugh at me...no seriously shut the fuck up. i'm serious. it did. "RIOTS NOT DIETS!" I love being mexican, and average weight now. I can't believe that someone, something made me not love myself. I can't believe i let someone have my body, if that wasn't enough i gave them my mind. Imprisoned for 3 years of my life. discovering punk freaked me out. oh shit i can yell if i want to? i can be pissed? just because i have a vagina doesn't mean that im weaker? I don't need to get married? I don't need to starve myself to make people like me? fuck yes . fuck yes. i love myself, and i love you. FUCK i love the word fuck

Views: 1

Comment

You need to be a member of We Make Zines to add comments!

Join We Make Zines

Comment by Bradley Adita on November 7, 2010 at 12:20am
can i assume you found los crudos?
Comment by Tania Martins on May 9, 2010 at 2:35pm
i love the word fuck too :) you're a very strong person and inspiring ^^

Want to advertise here?

Ist preference given to distros and zines. Rates and details are here. Limited space. Very Low Cost!

Please Support Our Sponsors

Anatomic Air Press

Sweet Candy Distro

Con Artist Collective

Ker-bloom! Letterpress Zine

 

© 2014   Created by Krissy PonyBoy Press.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service