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HOT/NOT. ALCOHOL VERSION

Mango infused vodka. Stop infusing my vodka god-dammit. Somewhere in Sydney a think-tank is coming up with a penis-infused version because a recent study has shown only underage slutty teens & fags drink the shit.

70% tax increase on RTD’s. Who are thirtyfive year old investment bankers supposed to rape now, each other?

Caramel Baileys. I’m sure it tastes delicious, I imagine it’s like liquid icecream, despite the fact that icecream is a liquid (can you believe I write this shit?) but you do realize this is the ‘Mum’ of all drinks. Like after putting the kids to bed & looking over mortgage repayment options, you’re like ‘fuck it, I’m gonna kick my feet up & watch Desparate Housewives’.

Non-alcoholic drinkers. While everyone else is off their tits, falling off chairs or crying in the corner from gin-induced depression, there’s always that smart cookie who sits & nods politely after you’ve told them you think they’re really cute for the forth time & they’re all “that’s nice, do you want another drink? I’ll grab you another drink”. Then zoom, they’re straight out the door.

What is it with Asian girls not watching where they walk? Here me out on this one. It’s happened enough times now for me to finally write about it. Yeah, like I need an excuse to make a thinly veiled racial slur. (God I’m a pig.)
When I’m out & about the city, nimbly zipping from store to store looking for books or the perfect high-top, I have to weave my way around people who are too fat, too slow or too ugly. Then you get the Asian girl, a mere twig of a thing, all high heels, badly dyed hair & genuine/fake Louis Vuitton bag grafted to their hand, walking in the opposite direction. The bitches don’t move. Not an inch!
Now don’t presume that I presume all people should part for me when I’m walking. Oh no. It’s total give & take. If two people are walking on the same path toward each other isn’t it polite to both move slightly so you don’t crash into each other?
But Asian girls. Nuh. Not even. So I end up banging their shoulder, we both turn & they give you a withering look that says ‘if my parents had enrolled me in tae kwon do instead of piano lessons, I’d kick your pasty ass, round eye’.
It’s unnerving, frightening even. I can only imagine how painful a full set of acrylics clawing off half your face would feel. Wo xia le ni lao wai!


words we hate: Ferosh/ferocious: This little mouthful of verbal swill has been lurking around the net for a while now courtesy of a fat pig celebrity blogger who thinks he can change the world by slagging people off. Dont you get it you Puerto Rican swine, no one wants your oinky nose in their ass or your sweaty dick in their mouth. Sweet Jesus the man makes me sick!

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Tags: alcohol, asian, fag, louis, penis, slutty, vuitton

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