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aka Help me feel I'm not alone


This is not exactly a social change thing (yet), but somethign that I use as a self theraeutic thing of sorts. I decided to post it here because I feel that more like minded people will understand it better...

So I was thingking, why do I write? How did it start?
I remember a little conversation I had with my mom when I was younger. I think I was in gradeschool or early HS. Around the time where you just suddenly feel like you're not a kid anymore when you actually still most definitely are. I was mad about something and I started writing. My mom saw me and she know i was really upset about something anf asked if i wanted to talk. I said no. She asked why. I said because that, for me, is what writing is for. If i vent to someone, then I wouldn;t have to write anymore. i remember admitting that all the creativity and emotions in everything i write cam from hate... from pure and raw emotions that would have otherwise overwhelmed me. I remember seeing a sad look on her face (although i'll admit that the memory is hazy). but for sure what she said next struck me. She told me it's not healthy to feed on anger. To depend on it to do what i loved to do. she said she does not undersnt how i "milk" my anger, angst and frustration for inspiration for somethign I LOVE. but back then, I shook it off. Back then, she didn't make sense to me.

Fast forward to today, I am still doing the same thing. I write and write and write. i rarely ever talk about anything that bothers me. most people find me rather distand... i never talk about anything personal. and i feel dead. i feel like a walking zombie. and it bothers me that maybe, all this time, everything that i have written will do nothing but cloud everyone else who reads them with the same hate that i felt while doing them. with the same dark emotions.

and i do not think that i want that.

when i was young, i said i would change the world.

today, i sit on an old library couch doing nothing about anything. i have stop to think and realized, that i am just as good as dead.

is this just a phase that everyone goes through?

=============
a time for change: (or what i am trying to do to change it and bring me back to life)
- i have reflected on everything that has frustrated me and thinking of what to do about them
- i am doing everything everyone else told me that i couldnt and wouldnt ever be able to do
*skateboarding: barely starting today though
*learning to draw like a pro
*yoga
*free running
*dancing
---> basically everything fun that i was never ever able to do, really
++++++++++++++++
starting this activity, i also realized that this kinda thing MUST actually be happening to a lot of people... especially those who are not happy with their lives and in what they do... which reminds me of the song hell bent by keanna...

please someone tell me it isnt just me... that this is well, not normal... but you know what i mean...

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